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Michael Corner knows jack.

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[30 Apr 2010|12:15am]
I would just like to point out yet another failure on the part of our educational system as fine upstanding folk of the wizarding world. I may just be the office wankstick, only available to take absurd trips to countries like Cuba (for mating cats), Pakistan (for that special curry), or Germany (lederhosen, apparently the look is coming back). A glorified courier, if you will, who gets sent on daily errands of picking up lunch, dry cleaning, or walking the Ambassador's cat (yes, you heard me, Mr Timmons is a leash-kitty). And sometime editor for the weekly office newsletter.

I may be all of those things, yes. I may be on the bottom of the totem pole as far as terms of Ministry Bureaucracy goes. But at least I still retain the lessons I learned from my primary education in the Muggle school system. For example:


Your = a possessive case of you. The jacket is yours.

You're = a contraction of you are. You're certain of that?

There = where something is. The jacket is over there.

Their = a possessive case of they. The jackets are theirs.

They're = a contraction of they are. They're going over there.

Are = a simple present tense of to be. Are you listening?

Our = a possessive case of us. This is our spot.

Two = a number signifying more than one but less than three. I have two jackets.

To* = used for expressing a point, limit, or action. He walked over to the chair to pick up his jacket.

Too = in addition, also, as well. He wanted a jacket like that too.


*I realize that to is a verbose word, with a number of different uses depending on whether it is used as a preposition or verb. In this particular rant I was merely using it to signify that there exists a difference between to & too.


And that, ministry officials, is your vocabulary lesson for the day. Please take these lessons to heart as the fact that my superiors are far less intelligent than me makes me frequently want to go postal.

And to think there are actually people questioning why I end each day with a fat spliff and a cuddle from my Pookie. If I didn't I might actually give into those homicidal thoughts.
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[28 Mar 2010|04:34pm]
Before I forget. Again. Birthday list-

Gabriel - 12 April [38 this year]
Robin - 30 August [36 this year]
Adam - 04 September [He's going to be 16 this year. Where'd the fucking time go?]
Anabelle - 15 December [Hogwarts this year. Keeping my fingers crossed we've got another Ravenclaw in the family.]
Jared - 26 March (fuck.) [He turned 4? Oh fuck, 5. Shit shit shit.]

Raphael - 08 March [34 now, old man](fuck me twice.)
Kyle - 01 May [30? 31. Cannot ask sister-in-law her age. She'll punch me. Hard.]
Judith - 17 June [8 years old. My little angel is growing up so fast.]

Evelyn - 14 October [27 this year.]
Edward - 05 February [Just turned 35, I think.]
Georgia - 12 July [She'll be 5 too. I remember- Robin & Evie were pregnant at the same time. They had that double shower.]
Zenith - 28 March (fuck me thrice.) [1 year old.]

Me - 10 November (if I can't remember this I'm royally fucked.)

Oh, and Robin is pregnant again. Congratulations, Gabe- and your super sperm.
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[20 Mar 2010|05:36pm]
Cuba might be the bane of my existence. But then again, maybe not. All I can tell you is that after two months of "Miguel, Recibe los expedientes relativos a América." "Miguel, Señor Timmons tiene hambre, y lo que necesita para alimentar a él." "El embajador del gato necesita más camas, Miguel. Ella necesita para sentirse cómodo. Que ella es embarazada, usted sabe." "Miguel! ¿Dónde está mi café?" I am well past ready to be home. It's one thing to be barked at in English, but quite another to receive bitch orders in a language I barely understand. And for the last fucking time- MY NAME IS MICHAEL!

However, my superiors will be happy to know that Mr Timmons (or that Randy Bastard, as I've come to know him) has been reunited with the Minister's wife at long last. And I am now in custody of one of his kittens by the Guantanomo Ambassador's feline. Contrary to conspiracy suspicions, the kidnapping was merely an attempt to breed the pets. Unfortunately for me, Mr Timmons was shooting blanks for a while, and it took several goes for a successful pregnancy.

I was never much for cats to begin with, and this experience hasn't improved my disposition. Anyone want a kitten?
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[18 Mar 2010|08:40pm]
michael corner )
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